1.26.14. Dear......


Here is what happened the other day: I got on the train and sat down in an empty seat (that is what they are for, those empty seats. Not for your feet or your bag or your coat. Not for your imaginary friend who’s “coming” so you are “saving” it. You’re not saving it for anyone but yourself and you don’t have any friends and this is why). The person on the right didn’t move or shift and as I squozed myself into the middle seat, I accidentally nudged her with my bag. Now, lest you doubt my commuting intentions, let me categorically state that this was a legitimate seat. An actual seat that was open. It’s just with all the coats and the scarves and the chips on our shoulders from living in a 21st-century ice age, we tend to take up a little more space than usual.

I said “I’m so sorry!” instead of “Don’t worry ma’am, it’s a Louis Vuitton, it’s very good quality leather so it’s fine.”

She huffed and tsked and moved over a centimeter. Then, it happened. You know how sometimes when you are sitting next to someone on a train or bus or in the library and everything they do is irritating? And you want to tell them to STOP eating yogurt on the train or ask them where in the equine hell did they learn to eat apples or point out that the eyeliner they are currently poorly applying has a definite 90’s flair and hopefully they remembered their choker? But you don’t because it turns out you don’t know them and manners. So you shift and cross and re-cross your legs and you get increasingly more annoyed and finally you get up in a huff and switch seats? Well. SHE did that to ME. I KNOW! It was a textbook case of increasing annoyance. I’m not sure why. Because of my bag? I smelled good. Maybe because I was putting on lip gloss? That seems to be what sent her over to the seat across from me. I guess to paraphrase Gary’s grandmother in Weird Science, she doesn’t stand for the lip gloss. She started to read a book called “Just Like Jesus” and I wanted to point out that she wasn’t being very Jesusy. I think Jesus stood for the lip gloss. He stood for all sorts of things. Mostly because He was preaching and it’s a lot easier to preach while standing. You try to get someone to testify while sitting. It’s harder than you think.

Anyway, because I decided lip gloss could be Jesusy, I am considering taking him off the B-list for my dinner party. Speaking of which, I need a clarification from your last message. You suggested I bring “dessert or booze” to dinner this week. Are they not the same thing?