8.30.13 Dear.....


Yes, my gardening shoes are black patent leather wedges. It’s not like I bought them that way. I mean I did; as you know, I’m not a cobbler. I mean that I didn’t buy them just in order to garden, I wear them for “light gardening”.... you know what? You once showed up to shovel dirt in a big fancy hat so hold on, your phone is ringing. Pick up, it’s me. Hi, Kettle.

Anyway, thanks for clarifying that you'd like me to join your business activities, not your other activities. I'm happy to observe in a non-creepy way but really, we don't need to Three's Company any situation, especially because I'm more Mrs. Roper than anything and not everyone likes a caftan. By the way, people who do not like caftans are not to be trusted. Just like doughnuts.  

That said, I would pay to see some of these situations in which you find yourself. Good money. CASH money. You aren’t even sharing the same planet let alone the same moment as some of these people. I would wait in line, buy a cocktail and some candy and settle down in a big cushy chair to watch that show.  

Secondly, thanks for volunteering me to work your farmer's market stand. As long as it incorporates the more bearable aspects of being a farmer, I'll allow the appropriation of my self to sell your goods. I won't have anything to do with a farmer's tan but I WILL get up early (I know, it doesn't seem right, these words) and I WILL drink coffee in early morning-sun and I WILL talk to your customers while you make money. And then I'll use some of that money to buy a ticket to your next outing. Offensively charming or charm offensive? It's a fine line, you decide.

I think I'm in love with half of the people you meet, especially the 5-and-under crowd. I'm going to start inserting the "You haven't asked me what my favorite.... is." into all conversations after about one minute, no matter the topic. For example:

Person Who Is Not Me: "...ok so then we need to look at the implications of changing this to that and the expectations of how long that will take."

Me: "You didn't ask me who my favorite Muppet is. That's actually a hard question and I'm glad you brought it up. Though I, like most, have an affinity for the wild abandonment of Animal, I confess I most love Rolf because I had a Rolf-puppet when I was younger and I love a crooner. Also, that will take about 20 minutes."

PWINMe: "How did you even get a job here?"

I don’t even know how to answer that. Do people NOT have a favorite Muppet? It’s like not having a roller derby name at the ready (mine’s “Taiphoon”). You don’t know that Hell’s Belles is NOT going to call you to see if you can sub. You don’t.

And finally, Monopoly. You always bought Park Ave...well of course you did. I was just always trying to get free parking and stay out of jail. Which I think, is generally just a good life goal.