Shoeless in Tailand

The thing is, I like shoes. A lot. The ironic thing is that for someone with approximately 100 pairs of shoes, I love to be barefoot.

Wait, IS that ironic? Like, truly and in the correct sense of the word? There are so many skirmishes and disputes lately about what is and is not the correct usage of the word. All these grammar warriors with rage in their paper hearts launching dictionaries at the vocabulary infidels because of the improper use of words. Which, isn’t THAT ironic, improperly using words on those who improperly use words? That those who love words so much they would toss their dictionaries into harm’s way? Or is it just hypocrisy? Well I don’t even know anymore and now I’m going to be forced to do something I rarely do: logisticate. Logicafy. Use logic. God. If my dictionary hadn’t been requisitioned by the grammarian generals during the Ironic Spring last autumn, I’d know what to say.

If irony is the contrast between reality (what is) and appearance (what seems to be) then what is (I like to be barefoot) contrasts pointedly (but not shoe-wise, I don’t go for those) with what seems to be (I like shoes so much that I have 100 pairs and I wear them all).

It should be noted that I don’t like ALL shoes. I especially don’t like inappropriate footwear. I’m not talking about Italian leather pumps in the Colombian rainforest. How was Joan Wilder supposed to know that she’d have to trudge through the jungle in order to smoke weed with Jack Colton? I’m talking about truly inappropriate footwear, like sport sandals with suits.

Ok, I am not at all opposed to providing a platform to praise someone’s shoes and would love to work in a place where you get recognition for bringing a little sass in the form of footwear to the office. Zappos, are you hiring? DSW, I am a devoted member of your congregation. But really. Tevas have no place with a suit and neither do Keens. I’m not sorry and they don’t. These shoes should be worn if you have rocks under your feet doing that thing that people call “hiking” (which I don’t understand. If you want to get up a hill covered in rocks, why not take a Range Rover?) or perhaps a creek of some sorts or a canoe floor.

You should not be wearing them out and about. You should not be wearing them to the Jewel unless the Jewel has suddenly transformed its entire layout and the cheese aisle is in a creekbed and the wine section is at the top of a rocky hill. You should certainly not be wearing them with your suits and outfits thinking that now you are business casual. I don’t care what you say. The shoes don’t make your suit look casual. The shoes make you look stupid.

And don't even get me started on those 5-Finger things. One, that’s a dirty name and two, I bet they smell.

And finally, do not tell me not to judge your “Melanie-Griffith-9-5-thing” you’ve got going on when you wear sneakers with your skirts on your commute. First of all, those are two different movies. Secondly, you can’t “skate by” on 9-5 references with me. Finally, everyone needs commuting shoes and now I’m wondering if roller skates would be worth all the Tootie references. I suppose you'd have to take the good with the bad.