Jesus is on the B-list.

I would like to have a dinner party and I would like to invite...hmmmm. Who would I invite? First I’d invite Jesus because if I ran out of wine, I have tons of water. We should note that running out of wine is both highly improbable and highly probable. I like to drink it, so I have lots of it....because I like to drink it, so I might run out of it. Ergo, Jesus. Unless it turns out that the whole Bible thing was just a story and when I take Jesus to the sink and turn on the tap, He just looks at me with his big Jesus eyes like “what’s THIS?!” taps in Jerusalem. In which case I’d be like “Are you for real, JC?!” Great, still no wine.

So, Jesus is on the maybe list until I can investigate further. Of course, I could invite Nancy Drew to the party. She’s probably a teetotaler, so no worries about having to get her any wine. She’d investigate this Jesus story. She’d give it a clever name, like “Nancy Drew and The Case Of the Missing Wine” and she’d ask lots of questions. I don’t have a bell tower or a grandfather clock or even a roadster,  but I bet I could keep her busy with a vintage watch or a monocle or something.

She’d certainly be interested in talking to Gregory Peck because a) he’s dead and b) he’s a dreamboat. Also, he’s Atticus Finch. He can sit next to Chopin, who will be talking to Beverly Cleary and/or Judy Blume. I might invite them both but I’m afraid they will dominate the conversation with Tales of a Fourth Grade Ramona Quimby Deenie Margaret Ellen Tebbits Tiger Eyes mashup. I’ll have to set some ground rules for them otherwise Chopin will be so bored....

I wonder.....if Jesus is on the list, should I add Buddha too? And then shouldn't I also invite Mohammed and Confucius and that Zoorastrian guy? Martin Luther might get upset if he’s not on the list and try to nail something to my door, like The 95 Rules of Dinner Party Etiquette and I’d have to invite him and Emily Post in because manners dictate that a good hostess makes everyone feel comfortable. I could invite an Episcopalian because they’re like Catholic-lite and will balance the crowd, but I will not have a Calvinist to this party. I don’t have any wooden chairs and they’ll just get upset by Kali, who would have to arrive in all her chaotic glory (which would probably please Dali to no end) and now this party has got a definite religious theme (which would not sit well at all with the Galileo).

So, Jesus is definitely on the B-list for this one.