May 6, 2013. Dear...

Hiya -

Yes, you’re right. My new paver patio will be THE place to hang this summer. If only because I will refuse to leave it and hold court there. Also because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to move again. Over the course of the weekend, I lifted and carried and threw the equivalent of 400 pounds. This is not an exaggeration, I used a calculator. You know what else weighs 400 pounds? Gorillas. Pigs. Sperm whales. I looked further and found this answer: There are many things in the world that weigh 400 pounds. An adult lion can weigh up to 400 pounds. A pony may also weigh around 400 pounds. There are even some human beings who weigh 400 pounds.

I don’t know what to think about adding a human to that list.

I like your idea of tulips in a vintage martini shaker vase. It’s like the best of happy all in one place. I’m going to plant flowers this weekend and I wish you and your giant hat could come and help me. But we both know that you and your giant hat would just spritz the table with cleaner and then sit in the shade. At least the wine would stay cold and let’s face it: that’s the most important job in the yard.

Have you received any more indecent proposals? I’m still thinking about that last one....the writer used the word “fun” six times and “adult fun” twice in a three paragraph response. First of all, thesaurus. Secondly, I am shocked at his lack of clarity. It’s very inappropriate. It really doesn’t do to be unclear about what you mean when you are dealing with a competitive housing market. I’ve compiled a list of things he may have meant as “fun” because I wish that you could respond in kind.

Talking about mutual funds
Considering vacation homes in Nova Scotia
Discussing the merits of crossover vehicles
Calling the police
Volunteering at military recruiting facilities

Note: these are not things I find fun, but I’ve never claimed to be an “adult.” Nobody I like really does.