May 13, 2013. Dear......


Yes, if you haven’t figured it out by now, you are meant to be feeding people. If by "people" I mean "me" and by "feeding" I mean "making deviled eggs for" then yes. Have you met you? Luckily, you aren't an angry-chef type at all. You're more of a "why don't you go outside while I finish why are you looking at me like that fine stay there in that chair over there, way over there, and talk while I finish" type of chef. The kind that leaves me sitting on a bar stool swinging my feet and punctuating stories with sips from my glass and random song lyrics. My favorite kind.

Tell me more about this “Claim It!” idea. So you just imagine what you want to be/do, name it, claim it and eventually, you will be/do it? I can get behind this, though I do feel like maybe The Secret is peering around the corner shaking its fist of positive thinking power at me. It’s probably just mad it didn’t own the power of pretend to make things happen. Or at least make things happier. Pretend is amazing! Anyone who has played Mad Libs knows this to be true. How many times have you misplaced a box of gods? Anyway I’m claiming myself a storyteller and I don’t think anyone will be surprised by that.

You present a valid question. Given the choice of beheading someone or not...I may be questionably sober but I am a benevolent ruler of Tailand. I would never behead anyone and certainly not for swearing, for chrissakes. You know I can't do gore and grossness. Besides, I think not being able to drink juice is a more severe punishment than losing one's head. If you cannot drink juice, what's the point of having a head anyway? It's a far more psychologically terrifying fate.

Speaking of which, I need to get to MySecondHome Depot (™ McPolish) and return some of this paver excess. You might ask why. Why bother? Why keep lifting and putting down? Loading and unloading? Why don’t you and your friend Sisyphus go and sit by the fire pit and enjoy the evening?

Silly you. I, like many an Italian grandmother, have made more than I need. I’m neither Italian nor a grandmother and that is neither here nor there. I have too many bricks. There is not enough room to twirl fully. You might say why bother but I say I’ve got at least two bottles of wine just sitting there on the patio. I can’t just leave money on the table like that.